Who the hell let the cat out?
by happyanimal0
Summary: Alucard 'gives birth' to somthing... itturns out to be everyones favorite cat nazi
1. Chapter 1

_Alucard and Schrödinger's battle_

_**This is a fan fic I made to show what would happen if schro and allucard fought 0ver something stupid… work in progress.**_

_**Tell me if you love or hate it! If you like I make morez!**_

Chapter 1

The monster comes out to play…

Alucard walked down the halls of the hellsing building for hours. He thought he was certainly going to puke. Ever since becoming a vampire he never felt sick before, this was a foreign feeling to him. He soon realized that this was not of physical proportions at all, but within his soul. He suddenly realized that his familiars within him must have been causing a commotion. If that wasn't bad enough, Seras came and said loudly"master! Are you okay? You look like you're going to explode!(Or pee yourself)" "WILL YOU SHUT YOUR IMPUDENT MOUTH, AND LEAVE MY PRESENCE YOU ANNOYING POLICE GIRL!" Alucard loudly proclaimed. Looking like puppy on the verge of tears, Seras walked away, confused and broken hearted. As she left she yelled, "You don't need to act like Integra on her period.

Alucard staggered through the halls, wondering what was wrong with him. "DAMMIT!" he yelled, angry with his condition. He cursed and yelled silently in his quarters. He looked like a child not getting his way. Suddenly he spewed out something that looked like a human. It crawled away at lightning speed, out the no life kings window. "What the fuck was that?" He said in a confused voice. Then he noticed something that didn't much surprise him. The sick feeling had disappeared after that thing left him. "so that's what giving birth feels like." Then he decided to check inside himself to see if any of his familiars knew anything about the former event that took place. (Alucard can control his familiars into cooperating with him or tell him information)

Allucard was now within his mental world, reading the thoughts of his familiars. He scanned the area to make sure his familiars were in place. He realized a certain cat boy Nazi was missing! Then a sudden smirk came across his face, "Time to pay this little nuisance a visit!"

Alucard was now back in the world of physical reality. He looked around and saw his room was now decorated with cat pictures and rainbow colored paint. Then he saw a mischievous little figure in the middle of it playing with Alucard's collection of rare action figures worth a fortune. "You little shit!" Alucard was normally violent, but he was about to get really, really violent! "Vat are you so vorried about, wampire?" asked a mock innocent Schro. "You fucked with my stuff! Now I'm gonna make you bleed, over, and over, and over again! I will show you pain! I will rip your head from your shoulders, over and, over and, over again! I will stick my gu-" "vhat are you so angry about you silly man?" said an interrupting Schrödinger. "you got your filthy little hands all over my priceless collection!(not to mention you made me throw you up!)"

Then Schrödinger realized he was in for a world or pain if he stayed in the room so he sought someone else to piss off. "Sir Integra" said Alucard "we have a situation!" "I noticed!" Yelled Integra in pure rage. Alucard realized how fast the neko was and decided to get to Integra as soon as possible. When he arrived Integra was pissed beyond words, and Seras was just plain confused. "guten tag !" said a cheery Schrödinger, smiling rather mischievously. "Where did he come from!" "he ca-" I thought he was dead!"" He was in-" Alucard attempted another answer but was cut off, "I thought you killed him!" "Well he separated from me because he was 'bored'." Alucard finally answered, mimicking the cat in the most insulting, girlish voice he could. "HEY! I don't sound like that!" the German intruder protested. "quit complaining you little, worthless, lowlife, unwanted hobo cat!" Integra snapped. Seras decided to butt in to add a third opinion." Well he may have worked for the enemy, but he couldn't help that! He didn't really hurt anyone did he?" Alucard then reprimanded his servant with a harsh tone. "He killed me didn't he? Don't I count as a somebody? Not to mention that he ruined my collection!" he yelled showing his broken 'valuables' off to his master and servant. "I didn't know that the great no life king, nosferatu, Alucard played with children's toys." Stated Integra."They're very rare collectables!(limited edition colors and sounds) and now their ruined!" Argued Alucard. "They're in perfect condition!" said Seras. "yeah! Said Shro in his whiney 'I told you so' voice. Then out of nowhere, Alucard slapped that boy across the face and shot him in the leg. "AH!" yelped Schrödinger in pain. Then before he knew it, Schrödinger disappeared right before Alucard's eyes. Suddenly the Nazi was across the room wearing Alucard's Hat and Holding His gun. Schro pointed the gun at Integra and said, "Prepare to have your bosses head splattered on the floor if you don't obey my demands! Get me all of the milk in the building!" Then the Nazi boy was then on the ground with Integra beating him with the back of her sword. "aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" yelled the defenseless cat eared Nazi youth. "Dear god! Don't hit him like that! He's gonna bleed out!" Seras yelled. "NO! HELP! PLEASE! VAT DID I DO, VAT DID I DO, VAT DID I DO!" after poor Schrödinger's screaming stopped Alucard, laughed and seras just hid her face behind allucard. Schro was nothing but a bloody mess on the floor.

Schro, yet again, reappeared in the room after ten minutes wearing tropical vacation clothes. He held a pineapple drink and wore a straw hat and flower necklace. "hola! I thought a vacation vould be nice, ja!" "you clever little bastard!" said Alucard. Alucard suddenly reached for the cat eared menace and grabbed his shirt collar, ready to pummel him on command. Schro winced as Alucard waited for sir integras command.

**So if you liked it, I will be happy to make more! Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2 mabye he's not so bad

**Thank you melzdog123 and The Angry Koala for being the only two to review my first fanfic! Sadly I have been having a lot of crap from school to do. I need to find time to smell the flowers and fanfics! XD(even if that was a really bad, cliché joke!) just recently I had a freakin' religious experience with my house shaking, and crows, and footsteps, ect… anyway I'll try to write more on my fanfic but heres what I've got so far! And for those who don't know… I'm a dude!XDDDD! Shocker right,… no….:(….. make me a sandwich woman…NOW!(and get back in the kitchen)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own hellsing like I own black people. Just kidding about the black people my colorful friends…hehehe…**

Chapter 2

Maybe he's not so bad…

Schro hung by his collar, dangling from Alucard's hand.

" vhat did I do to deserve this?" schro said in a frightened voice.

"Why? WHY! Because you don't know when to stay inside of a killer nosferatu! That's why!

So don't be such a baby and take it like the 90 year old man you are!" yelled Alucard.

Instantly Seras stepped in, "what do you mean he should stay inside of you! Who would won't to live in an old creepy vampire guy?"

Alucard then stared his fledging down using his extreme height. "Well when did you start sassing your master police girl?"

soon Integra started to address the situation. "Put down the stupid Nazi cat and settle the fuck down!"

The room was dead silent. Finally Schrödinger felt his feet hit the floor. He thought he could slip away in the moment but he was unexpectedly lifted up by his collar by an angry Integra.

"And where do you think you're going?" said an impatient Integra.

"everyvere und nowvere!" yelled Schro as he teleported onto Integra's head.

"Get him of me!" screamed Integra as she screamed in rage. Alucard was the first to act, pouncing on the defenseless catboy. Next was Seras' turn to help hold him down. Integra had a soldier go fetch something and he returned.

"Sir Hellsing, I have the special rope that you needed." He soon left and integra got up on a table, ready to jump down on Schrödinger. She soon did, scattering them all around the room. Soon Schrödinger was tied in the rope.

"that's no ordinary rope! It's a rope that was engineered to capture you if you ever escaped from Alucard! Mwahahahah!" said Integra in an evil voice.

"N-no! I can't get out! Noooo!" Schrodinger screamed and cried trying to escape. Soon Alucard and Seras had picked him up and carried him into a small room. It had a bed and a drawer with a TV on the top of it. Alucard had trouble getting through the door due to his massive height of almost 7 feet. They unwrapped Schrödinger who immediately tried to teleport away. But he couldn't.

"vhy can't I get out of here!" I can't use my powers!" Alucard looked down at the sobbing boy in front of him. "this room is mad of the same material as the rope we tied you up with. It cancels out your powers."

"b-but, that means I have no power! I'm stuck here with the big old creepy vampire for company! Nooooooo!" Screamed poor little traumatized Schrödinger.

"Get over it!" demanded Alucard. Then Integra walked in and stared down at the shortest one in the room. "so, do you want to use your powers?"

Then a sniveling little Schrödinger answered "y-yes. I vant to use my powers! I didn't mean to make you guys angry! I svear! P-lease tell me vhat you vant."

The Integra just laughed at the little, teary-eyed thing in front of she collected herself and said in the most formal way possible, "fine. But only if you swear to join hellsing and submit to those in higher ranks. You must control yourself infront of others, especially guests. You must also wear appropriate, NON-NAZI dress. And you must try to stay out of other's business! Do you understand the terms of your freedom?"

"Y-yes ma'am!" yelled a now cheered up Schrödinger.

"Good! Now I'll leave Alucard and Seras to show you around. You must listen to them, myself, and any of the staff here at Hellsing." Integra barked. Soon, without warning schro was pulled away by seras and Alucard to see the hellsing manor.

"and this is the 3rd floor. This has a kitchen down there." said a cheery Seras.

"Don't go there unless we tell you to. And don't go to that room down there either! Or…" Alucard trailed of pointing from room to room, commanding poor schro to not go in them. "But that's no fun if I can't go in them, It's just plain boring!" protested Schrödinger. Soon Alucard's hand slapped him in the face. Schro let out a wimper and fell into Seras who comforted him."I don't need a little attention leech sucking all of the life out of those who work here! You'll just distract them. And you never talk back to me or you'll get a lot more than just a little slap in your face!" Alucard exploded on the little guy who just tried to hold back tears.

"You don't need to hurt him! He was just curious to know what was in those rooms! God, you're such a kill joy!" Seras argued. "God, woman! Well I'm leaving! You show the kid the rest of hellsing. I'm out!" Alucard said as he left the scene.

Schrodinger and Seras were heading to Integra's office for Schro's new uniform. They opened the door to see Integra Yelling at Alucard. "And don't you ever try to suck my blood again or I'll force you to eat your own crap through a straw!" Alucard seemed to enjoy this awkward moment when Seras and Schro entered the room.

"Um… sir, we need a uniform for Schrödinger. We don't have any that will fit him." Seras said. Integra just gave a cold glare and said, "Well we'll need to order him one. Until then Alucard might have some spare clothes in his closet."

"OH, HELL NO!" Screamed Alucard in a furious rage. "You can't let him wear my clothes! He's dirty! Look! He's licking himself right now!" Alucard screamed as he pointed to the cat. Schro just looked up and his face turned red. Integra then said,"Schrödinger! You are not allowed to lick yourself like that ever again!" Alucard let out a smirk of victory as Schrodinger answered.

"But then I vill always be dirty! I need to clean myself!" Schrödinger protested. But Integra was not about to let him get his way. "Then you have to learn to bathe the human way, In **WATER**." Schrödinger was shocked. Water was a cat's worst fear. It was inhumane, and cruel. Why would anyone ever submerge themselves in water? Schrodinger fell to his knees in disbelief. He instantly started screaming and bawling, begging for mercy. "NO! Please don't make me! That's just evil! Why vould you do that to me! I'll be good, and nice, and polite! I can't stand vater! Don't make me! I beg of you! I'll do anything!" as Schrodinger finished Integra stood up from her chair. "Seras. Take him to the bathroom for his first lesson in why not to talk back to me." Then Alucard butted in. "Sir, I would be more than happy to take him up myself. It's more of a man's job anyway, right Schro." Schrodinger just let out a small squeal as Alucard picked him up and carried him away.


	3. Chapter 3 bonding time

**HELLO PEEPS! I finally got another chapter in. whew!**

**I've been easily distracted lately with some crap. DARN YOU CRAP! Well I have added the 3****rd**** chapter to my first fanfic!(yay) I'm surprised that there isn't black choir singing some hymn or something:-/**

**Well let's see what happens to poor little Schro in this chapter! Looks like Alucard is gonna get that kid good! Po-ot-ink (;{.**

**Well I'm done sayin crap so… enjoy! Oh yeah! Go totaljerkface to and play my levels!(search for author and type johnsgag0!)**

**Disowner: I learnt that I needed to putz theez. Sooo … I no own hellsing, or its characters. I do not own totaljerkface eitherXD well enjoy this chapter. Go read it now! Or I'll cut you up into little pieces.**

Chapter 4: bonding time (mwahaha)

Schrodinger was being carried through the halls in a sack. Alucard had mercilessly stuffed him in there and carried him to his doom. Schro just whimperd and cried on his way to the bath. Alucard just laughed and told him how much fun he was going to have.

"Haha! I can't wait till you get dunked head first in that soapy ass water! I'll make sure it's extra cold for you! Hehehe. NO WAIT! I'll make it scalding hot! Yes!"

"Y-you just a stupid old man! I hate you! Vhy vould you do this to me you big jerk!" Schro protested. Alucard just smirked.

"It'll be fun! Just wait and see! Maybe afterward we'll go to the beach and throw you in!" Alucard then cackled his usual sinister laugh. Schrodinger just slunk further into the bag that Alucard now held like Santa Clause would with a bag of gifts. Soon they arrived at their current destination, and Schrödinger just sulked inside of the bag. Poor Schro was about to vomit, and Alucard sensed this.

"Don't throw up now! I might have to kill you if you dare do such a thing! Hehehe…" alucard just laughed his ass of as he brought the cat boy to his fate.

The tub was already prefilled with boiling water, and steam rose from the water's surface. Soon Alucard dumped the boy on the floor and opened the door.

"Bye, bye, brat! Have a fun bath! Oh, and I'll be guarding the door so you won't escape."

Immediately after ward alucard left the room and stood outside of the room. Schrodinger Immediately started climbing the walls to get to the ceiling. Sadly the ceiling was reinforced with steel and that material that kept him from teleporting. He decided to ram the door. He stepped back and charged the door. To his surprise he ran into alucard who had phased through the door just in time.

"You didn't listen you brat! Now I have to do it for you!" alucard said in a very disappointed manner.

"NO! Please let go! I vant out! Please! Stay away you old pervert! You're just a stupid old Wampire. I don't vant a bath! No!" Schrödinger screamed and cried. He begged and insulted to get his way. But to no avail. Alucard pick up the boy by his collar and ripped the shirt of. He then started working on getting his other clothes off. He was thrown into the tub. Luckily by then the water was just warm, not to hot. Alucard grabbed him and shoved him into a sitting position. He then started to poor out the contents of every soap bottle he could find and dumped it all on Schro. Schrodinger just fought Alucard's every jerk and shove as he endured the torture. After about an hour of scrubbing Schrödinger's hair, he said;

"Finally! You need to condition more often like myself. You have all sorts of tangles and dandruff in your hair! Man I hardly even shower and my hair is more clean than yours!"

Schro just sobbed and tried to catch his breath. "I vant to get out! The vater's cold now, und my skin is all vrinkly! Vhy do you people do this? It's terrible!" Alucard instantly grabbed him out of the tub and dragged him out of the room by his hair.

"you want out little shit? Then I'll let you out! How about we let all of Hellsing see you soapy, wet and miserable! Alucard said in an evil voice.

"Prepare for the most embarrassing moment in your life!" Alucard said, satisfied.

Alucard dragged him by his hair all over Hellsing wearing nothing but skin and soapy water. He dragged him all the way to Integra Windgates Hellsing's office. He pulled Schro in just in time for Integra and Seras to turn around and start giggling. Schrodinger's face was bright red as he tried to cover himself with his hands. Integra stood up and looked slightly happy. She giggled and said, "Way to show him his place Alucard." She then looked at Seras and said "you and Alucard take him to Alucard's room. Get him an old shirt or something. Just cover him up.

Seras picked up poor little Schrödinger and carried him to Alucard's room as Alucard tagged along reluctantly. Once they had arrived in Alucard's room, Seras opened the nearly empty closet to find Alucards gloves and a few ordinary clothes for special occasions, like a suit, some plain tee shirts, some jean's and a few plain long sleeved buttoned shirts.

Schrodinger sat on the edge of an unused bed near Alucard's coffin, kicking his legs back and forth with anxiety. Alucard stood behind Seras who was picking out a decent shirt to cover their new guest. Finally, after a few minutes she picked a long sleeved button up shirt. It covered Schrödinger down to his knees and they found his boxers left in the bathroom. Now all they had to do was get him to go to sleep for the night without any problems. This proved more of a challenge than they thought. They tried stuffing him under the covers of his bed but he just rolled out and jumped around wildly. They then tried turning on the TV and turning on a show for him to watch, hoping he would eventually fall asleep, but he just complained about every channel they turned to. Finally they decided to read him a bedtime story. He listened to Seras' story first.

"…And then the cat was happily drinking his warm milk when he fell asleep, THE END!" Schrodinger wanted an encore so Alucard gave him just what he wanted.

"Once a upon a time, in a magical land called Hellsing, there was an annoying cat that got beaten with a whip and his bones all broken individually. He was then used as a sexy badass vampire's clothes hanger which held his dirty shadowy underwear! All because he wouldn't sleep the night before, THE END!" Schrödinger almost soiled himself as he slipped deep into his covers and passed out.

"W-well that's one way to do it! Your story telling style is a bit disturbing though." Seras said in a shaky voice.

"Yeah. I think I should write these down! Well at least the little child is finally asleep, regardless how it happened. I'll leave him be for tonight. We have a mission anyway."


	4. Chapter 4 manic mall madness

**SNIFF SNIFF! i'm so sad.T.T i Failed to update soon enough and now you all hate me!**

**Do you hate me?**

**tell me in the reviews!**

**I blame School and my family and the weather.**

**Well this ones short but i will make the next one longer! this i swear! I'm gonna need more reviews, even anonymous ones, if i'm gonna make more of this story. please Review, it makes me feel all gooey and warm inside!**

**Warning! i will start some deathnote fanfics soon due to request! by request i mean some friends i know who really like shrodinger. they inspired me to write this and the bath scene in the last chapter.(aperently they have a thing for cats and vampires gettin it on!) well i guess it was cute but i don't go that way!(hehehehe)**

**disowner: What you think i own hellsing...NAW! not little old me! i only own my own imagination!(and a secret stash of yuri magizines). i don't own snuggling either...**

Seras and Alucard were standing side by side, Alucard looming over his fledging. They were sorounded by thousands of dispatched ghouls. Alucard was licking the blood off of his gloved hand, while Seras did the same. Once they were satisfied they turned back and headed for a helicopter piolited by a hellsing soldier.

"what a wounderful thrill this was! I almost wish I could have more fun like that every now and then." Alucard said with his trademark smirk.

Seras turned to face Alucard and said,

"Master, not to ruin your mood or anthing but i told Integra that we were gonna take Schrodinger out into the city for the day. You know, show him the area, and gain his trust, all that good stuff!"

Alucard just stared at her and formed a nice big smirk that covered the bottom half of his face."I Have a good idea of where we could take him. I think you'll agree when i say that we'll be going shopping!"

Seras' face glowed with pure happieness. She quickly hugged Alucard and screamed,

"Oh my gosh! Thank you thank you thank you! Finally somthing besides killing monsters!"

Alucard just frowned slightly,

"I thought monster killing was fun..."

Alucard and seras loaded themselves onto the helicopter and were lifted up into the night sky.

Alucard was Eager to finally sleep. He walked over to his coffin, pulled the top off and slipped in. After about five minutes of trying to sleep he just couldn't. He tried rolling around but it felt odd. He then realized that somthing was wraped around his torso. He slowly grabbed it and lifted pried it off of him. It was Schrodinger!

"what the fuck! Why are you in my bed!" Alucard screamed in shock.

"I was scared of the thunder outside so I hid in here!" Schro said in a terrified voice. "MASTER INTEGRA!" Alucard yelled. " Theres a cat in my bed!"

Integra came down shortly looked stressed and was wearing a light blue night gown and some slippers. She looked even older than usual.

"What do you want! I'm trying to sleep!"

"the kitty was being a bad boy!" Alucard said, almost childish. "can you lock him in a box or somthing!" Integra just stared at him with her one eye and gave him a glazed over look. "I'll take himfor now until Seras gets back. Then he's her problem."

With that Integra grabbed schrodinger by the collar and dragged him away.

Integra pulled him up the hall by his ears and threw him into her room. She then pulled out a box from under her bed and grabbed the boy and forced him into it.

In the middle of the night integra awoke to find a catboy cuddled in a ball right next to her. She was way to tired for anything so she tolerated it for now. She would beat him in the morning though and send him and her vampire wards to the mall. She would soon be alone at last...

"he's kind of cute when he sleeps" integra said to herself.

she pet him lightly and slowley fell into a deep slumber...

**ALUCARD SECRETLY HAS AN ADDICTION TO CHOCLATE! AND SHOPPING FOR IT! **

**oops..**

**well thats next chapters focus.**

**please Review!**


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